Michael: I have got it made in the shade. I know this company. The other branch managers are total morons. (On phone) Hey, Pam, yeah. I forgot what day the interview was, and I drove to New York accidentally. Be, like, three hours late.
Kevin: What’s different about you? You look worse.
Meredith: He got a haircut. It’s sexy hot.
Meredith: Turn around.
Jim: No thanks.
Meredith: Do it!
Andy: What’s up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth, you shall be known as Big Haircut.
Jim: Karen suggested that I get a haircut. For the interview tomorrow. So that I could look presentable. And not, as she so lovingly puts it, homeless.
Pam: After I had my little outburst at the beach, Jim was really nice about it. He just basically said that, he missed my friendship, too, and I would always mean a lot to him, and I understand where he’s coming from. For the record, I am not embarrassed at all. It needed to be said, and I said it. And it only took me three years to summon the courage. So … (bows) thank you.
Michael: Please hand this letter of congratulations to Dwight K. Schrute.
Dwight: But that’s my name. (Reads letter) “Dwight, congratulations, a-wipe. Don’t screw the pooch.”
Pam: Um, about the beach.
Karen: It’s okay. We all say things without thinking.
Pam: Oh no, it’s not that. I’ve actually been thinking that for a long time. And I’m glad I said it. I just, I’m sorry if it made you feel weird.
Karen: Oh. Okay.
Kevin: So Jim, who do you think is hotter, Pam or Karen?
Jim: Yeah, I’m not going to talk about this now.
Kevin: Pam is taller.
Jim: You sure?
Kevin: Yes. She has bigger breasts, too.
Kevin: But I think Karen has a prettier face.
Jim: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What else?
Kevin: Well, I mean, Pam’s face is really pretty too. It’s a very tough call.
Jim: Really tough call.
Jim: You know what? Why don’t you take the rest of the day, figure it out, and then come back, and tell me what you got.
Kevin: Will do.
Jim: All right.
Kate: You know what? Don’t even worry about it. Everyone was so drunk, I bet no one even remembers what you said.
Creed: I remember. I blogged the whole thing.
Creed: www.creedthoughts.gov.www\creedthoughts. Check it out.
Ryan: Last year, Creed ask me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer, and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Internet, it’s … pretty shocking.
Dwight: Jim, Jim, Jim. Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim.
Jim: Oh, hey, Dwight.
Dwight: I’m going to be your new boss. It’s my greatest dream come true. Welcome to the Hotel Hell. Check-in time is now. Check-out time is never.
Jim: Does my room have cable?
Dwight: No. And the sheets are made of fire!
Jim: Can I change rooms?
Dwight: Sorry, we’re all booked up. Hell convention in town.
Jim: Can I have a late check-out?
Dwight: I’ll have to talk to the manager.
Jim: You’re not the manager? Even in your own fantasy?
Dwight: I’m the owner. The co-owner. With Satan.
Jim: Okay, just so I understand it. In your wildest fantasy, you are in hell. And you are co-running a bed and breakfast with the devil.
Dwight: Yeah, but I haven’t told you my salary yet.
Dwight: $80,000 a year.
Dwight: Once I’m officially regional manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.
Pam: No, it’s fine. I’m sure it must have been weird for Jim when Roy and I were joking around. That one time.
Creed: I find it offensive. Au natural, baby. That’s how I like ‘em. Swing low, sweet chariots.
Pam: I’m happy for him. I hope he gets the job. I really just want him to be happy. And I know that sounds cliche, and I know saying it sounds cliche sounds cliche. Maybe I’m being cliche, I don’t care. ‘Cause I am what I am. (Thinks about it) That’s Popeye.
Andy: I am a great interviewee. Why? Because I have something no one else has. My brain. Which I use to my advantage, when advantageous.
Michael: Your advice was good, but Jan’s was bigger.
Pam: So you would be the regional manager, and the assistant regional manager, Andy is your number two, I would be the secret assistant regional manager.
Dwight: Mmm, let’s call it secret assistant to the regional manager.
Dwight: Do you accept?
Pam: Absolutely I do.
Dwight: Don’t you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I’ll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What’s the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Karen: Wow. That was some serious, hardcore, self-destruction.
Jan: I could wear stretch pants and wait for you to come home at 5:15.
Pam: No, I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m optimistic. And I had fun goofing around with Dwight today. Jim and I are just too similar. Maybe one day I’ll find my own Karen. But, you, that is a, um, you know, not … a man. A man version. But uh, until then, I can hold my head up. I’m not gay.
Jim: So is the question how’d I get to be so awesome?
Jim: How are your feet?
Pam: Medium rare. Thanks.
Jim: The real reason that I went to Stamford was because I wanted to be … not here.
Pam: I know.
Jim: And even though I came back, I just feel like I’ve never really come back.
Pam: Well I wish you would.
Pam: I haven’t heard anything. But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn’t he? He’s totally qualified, and smart, everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that’s okay. We’re friends. And I’m sure we’ll stay friends. We just … we never got the timing right, you know? I shot him down, and then he did the same to me, but you know what? It’s okay. I am totally fine. Everything is going to be totally …
Jim: Pam. (To camera) Sorry. Um, are you free for dinner tonight?
Jim: All right. Then it’s a date.
Pam: (Smiling back to camera) I’m sorry, what was the question?
Kelly: Who was that?
Ryan: Nobody. You and I are done.