Tech guy: Yeah, what kind of video?
Pam: (embarassed) A... celebrity sex tape.
Jim: Really? What kind of... celebrity?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: How much did you pay for it?
Pam: Not relevant.
Jim: You paid for it!?
Pam: It all happened so fast!
Pam: Jim and I went to dinner a few times when he got back from New York. I talked him through his break up. It's really nice to be good friends again.
Kevin: Are you kidding me! Pam and Jim are totally hooking up. All they do is smile. They're just keeping it a secret. Right?
Oscar: I don't know. There is no evidence of intimacy. They've been in remarkably good moods, could be other things.
Kevin: Are you kidding me!
Michael: I took her to the hospital, and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best that they could, and she is going to be okay.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why did you have to phrase it like that?
Michael: She has a slight, pelvical fracture.
Michael: Kind of a good news, bad news there. I was able to be on the scene so quickly, because I was in the car that hit her.
Jim: Who was driving?
Pam: (off Michael's silence) Oh, Michael.
Jim: One day Michael came in complaining about a speed bump on the highway. I wonder who he ran over then.
Dwight: It's only Meredith.
Michael: Yeah, it's only Meredith, thank God.
Dwight: Hey, why did you do it?
Michael: It was an accident.
Dwight: Was she talking back?
Dwight: Got sick of that face? Did she owe you money? Uh oh, is this downsizing? Did she spurn your advances.
Pam: Hey guys, we're all gonna visit Meredith at lunch, and we're kicking in $5 for flowers.
Kevin: Who's we? You and Jim?
Pam: No, um, me and Stanley and Phyllis so far.
Kevin: Oh. I bet Jim goes, too.
Pam: Yeah, I haven't asked him yet.
Kevin: Oh, I bet you ask.
Pam: I was planning on it.
Kevin: I bet you were.
Angela: I have to give her her meds. Pet her. And who will she eat lunch with?
Pam: Can't your other cats keep her company?
Angela: There's bad blood. Jealousies. Cliques.
Pam: Angela! You are the chairman of the Party Planning Committee. I shouldn't even be planning this. It's your job.
Angela. Ugh! Alright!
Michael: So, I need a little treat for the gang, something to win their affections back.
Ryan: Back? Why is that, Michael?
Michael: Well, I ran down Meredith in my car.
Ryan: Ohhh! Did you do it on purpose?
Michael: No, I was being negligent.
Angela: Hey, D?
Dwight: Hey, Monkey, what's up?
Angela: Can you do me a little favor? Go to my place at lunch and give Sprinkles her medicine?
Angela: I have to visit the alchie.
Dwight: Check to see if she's faking. If a car hit me, it wouldn't crack my pelvis. You know what, I bet she cracked it at home, jumped in front of the car to get some Worker's Comp.
Angela: I wouldn't put it past her.
Pam: I can take three people.
Jim: I can also take three people.
Oscar: (to Kevin) Separate cars.
Michael: Yaaaay, PAM!
Stanley: You cannot be serious. You ran a woman over this morning.
Michael: Everyone inside the car was fine... Stanley!
Michael: Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally, I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me. No... don't... sue me. That's the opposite of the point I'm trying to make.
Michael: I hate hospitals. In my mind, they are... associated with sickness.
Jim: I think she's awake.
Michael: No, she's in a coma.
Phyllis: Does it hurt terribly?
Meredith: No, it's not too bad. They had me on a lot of painkillers.
Creed: Oh, really. What kind? Codine? Vicodin? Percosette? Oxycontin? Paladone? What...
Meredith: I have no idea.
Michael: You know what I thought would be sort of fun, is if you forgave me in front of everybody.
Meredith: Michael, I'm not gonna do that.
Michael: 'Cause, you know what they say in the Bible, about forgiveness? Forgiveness, is next to godliness.
Angela: That's not...
Michael: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
Dwight: Hey, Monkey.
Angela: Any problems?
Dwight: Well, you left the TV on. And your cat is dead.
Dwight: Sparkles, the white one...
Angela: (crying) Sprinkles.
Dwight: Is dead. That was the sick one, right?
Angela: (crying) Uh huh. I... thought she had more time.
Angela: Did she... look... when you saw her... how was she looking?
Dwight: Really dead. Like a, just a, dead cat. So... Hey, come on. Don't be sad. Just, okay... she's in a better place. Actually, the place that she's in is the freezer. Because of the odor.
Pam: Michael, Angela's cat died.
Michael: This office is cursed! And we need to do something about it!
Michael: Well, I am taking responsibility. And it is up to me, to get rid of the curse that hit Meredith with my car. I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Michael: Did anyone do anything involving an Indian burial ground?
Oscar: Like what?
Michael: Like park on it. Or dig up a body. Toby, you have anything you want to tell us?
Toby: No. I did not violate an Indian burial ground. In fact, I had some good luck recently. Alfredo's pizza picked my business card of the basket, so I get a week of free pies.
Michael: Perfect. So our tragedy is your good luck. Satan.
Angela: Sprinkles never hurt a soul. God, in your infinite wisdom, how can you do this? She wasn't ready. She had so much left to accomplish.
Dwight: It is only a cat.
Angela: You never... you don't like them.
Dwight: Cats do not provide milk. Or wool, or meat.
Michael: I would now like to talk about each of your individual religious beliefs.
Toby: Oh. Michael, you can't ask about religious beliefs.
Michael: Satan (pointing at Toby), is a master of lies. Everything he says is the opposite.
Toby: Alright. Then you can ask about religious beliefs.
Michael: Thank you for the permission. Psych!
Creed: I've been involved in a number of cults. Both as a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but make more money as a leader.
Michael: Kelly, you are Hindu, so you believe in Buddha.
Kelly: That's Buddhists.
Michael: Are you sure?
Michael: You spend your whole life, trying to get people to like you. And then you run over one person with your car... and it's not even one of the popular ones... and everybody gets on your case. Doesn't make any sense. God is dead.
Kelly: If there was a God, then Ryan and I would be married by now.
Michael: Maybe believing in God was a mistake. What did people believe in before? The sun. Maybe there's some sort of animal, that we can make a sacrifice to. Like... a giant buffalo, or some sort of monster, like something with the body of a walrus, with the head of a sea lion. Or something with the body of an egret, with the head of a mere cat, or... just... the head of a monkey, with the antlers of a reindeer, with the body of... a porcupine.
Jim: I will do some research.
Pam: Let me help you with that.
Michael: I know a lot of you are very upset with me, for endangering Meredith's life, by hitting her, with my car, but it may make you feel a little bit better to know, that Dwight endangered her life by putting a garbage bag over her head that had a bat in it.
Jim: Six and one, really.
Michael: Turns out, Meredith has been exposed to Rabies, which is like 10 times worse, than a little crack in your pelvis. Thanks to me, she went to the hospital, and I saved her life. Curse is broken. Curse is broken, people! Ohhh, there is a God, and he has a plan for us, after all.
Michael: Is there a God? If not, then what are all these churches for? And who is Jesus's dad?
Kevin: Oh, well. If they aren't together now, then they probably never will be. I thought they'd be good together, like PB & J. Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste! What. A. Waste.
Pam: I told you I'm not dating anyone. And even if I was, I don't think it's anyone's business. I mean, when I do fall in love, like when it's for real, the last person I'm gonna talk about it to, is a camera crew, or my coworkers. Almost marrying Roy Anderson, is as close to Pamela Anderson as I ever want to be. Trust me, when I fall in love, you'll know.
Michael: Hi Stankley, how many sponsors so far?
Angela: This is Halloween last year. Just a couple of kittens. Out on the town.
Angela: (to Pam) I’m having relationship problems. And since you’re always having relationship problems, I thought you’d be able to give me some advice.
Jim: So what’s your strategy for this race?
Pam: Well, I’m going to start fast. Then I’m going to run fast in the middle. Then I’m going to end fast.
Jim: Why won’t more people do that?
Pam: ‘Cause they’re stupid.
Pam: Yeah, I gave him a ride home because … we’re dating.
Jim: Wow. There it is.
Pam: Yeah. We haven’t told anybody, but it’s going really great. Right?
Jim: It is going really great.
Michael: I always imagined it with a giant check.
Jim: Yeah, I mean personally, I am definitely on board with the giant check.
Pam: Giant check it is.
Dwight: I don’t know. On the other hand, it does leave less money for bat birth control.
Pam: There is no such thing as a rabies doctor.
Michael: Have you met that kid? Not going to college.
Pam: Michael, 5K means five kilometers, not five thousand miles.
Pam: So I closed the door, but the image of his …
Pam: … dangling participle …
Pam: … still burned in my eyes.
Pam: On average, how many hours a day do you spend naked in your office?
Pam: I didn’t see where it started, but I saw where it ended.
Pam: They say if you’re nervous around someone, you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on. Or a funny coat.
Jim: Oh, I’m sorry. Is this a working office? And not a French beach?Michael: Myth: Three Americans every year die from rabies. Fact: Four Americans every year die from rabies.
Jim: Ooo, an estate sale. Wanna go in?
Pam: I don't know, I'm really committed to winning.
Jim: Okay, but what if I told you that all the money you spend here, goes to preventing a disease that's already been cured?
Pam: Mmm... yes.
Jim: That's what I thought.
Jim: Right? Let's do some good.
Pam: You have reached the offices of Dunder Mifflin Scranton. Currently the entire staff is out doing the Michael Scott D.M.S.M.P.M.C. Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race.
Michael: For The Cure.
Pam: Leave a message.
Andy: Gah! Watch the nipples, Kevin!
Dwight: Are you feeling better?
Dwight: Well, you look cute as a button.
Angela: Cat heaven is a beautiful place. But you don’t get there if you’re euthanized!
Pam: I know you, Michael. I saw you naked.
Michael: You don’t know me. You’ve just seen my penis.