Michael: Steak! Where’s my steak!
Michael: Get me Armani.
Pam: A suit?
Michael: On the phone.
Pam: Like the main company number because I’m gonna have to call information.
Michael: Where’s Armani? He’s on the phone. Too slow. You’re not going to
Pam: He’s watching Million Dollar Baby. He’s gonna try to kill me.
Michael: At the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No, I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.
Dwight: Schrute Farms. Guttentag. How can I help you?
Dwight: We make our own mattresses that don’t conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin.
Jim: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: You running a Bed and Breakfast?
Dwight: It is not a B & B.
Dwight: Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists, coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.
Jim: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight: I am not telling you anything. Permits are pending.
Pam: Hello, I’m looking for a room.
Dwight: Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.
Jan: Why don’t you just pretend that you have a car?
Dwight: I was recently scrubbing my room of memories and I didn’t see it there.
Jim: What do you got going on tonight?
Michael: You wouldn’t understand. It’s a secret.
Jim: I wouldn’t understand, or it’s a secret?
Pam: You wouldn’t understand, Jim. It’s a secret.
Pam: The Beets Motel.
Jim: The Beets Motel? That is… wow.
Pam: Thank you.
Pam: The Embassy Beets. Radish Inn.
Jim: How are you doing this?
Michael: I took this second job kind of as a hobby.
Dwight: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam: What are the themes?
Dwight: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Jim: Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.
Jim: Not even Harry Potter?
Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we’ll get that power back on.
Jim: Mmm, I’d say one in six.
Jim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight.
Jim: You know, I just realized, this is Pam’s and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel, or a romantic dinner. Wine. But wine that wasn’t made out of beets. Didn’t think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure. Just … less.
Michael: Medical school must have cost like $40 or a donkey or something.
Michael: I would have been chief of surgery. Or a cowboy.
Pam: Oh, my God, what century is this?
Dwight: I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
Michael: Power point, power point, power point.
Michael: And up comes the tool bar. That’s what she said.
Michael: “Estimated time, 12 minutes.” So this should take about five or ten minutes.
Michael: What I do between and is nobody’s business but mine and my other businesses.
Jim: Are you a cocktail waitress?
Michael: Whomever is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it’s right.
Creed: Michael is right. It’s a made up word used to trick students.
Andy: No, actually, whomever, is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it’s a real word, but I don’t know when to use it correctly.
Michael: Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what’s right, but I’m not gonna say, because you’re all jerks who didn’t come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you actually know which one is correct.
Kevin: I don’t know.
Pam: It’s whom when it’s the object of the sentence and who when it’s the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Ryan: As an object.
Kelly: Ryan used me as an object.
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was… Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object, to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever’s name is Toby, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull.
Pam: What’s up?
Andy: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela’s smoking hot body.
Pam: You’re being gross.
Andy: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she’s looking and she’s totally not responding to my moves.
Pam: What moves?
Andy: I have moonwalked past accounting, like, ten times.
Pam: I can’t believe that’s not working. I don’t know if I really see you two together.
Andy: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
Pam: She can be kind of severe.
Andy: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
Pam: That’s right, you did.
Pam: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn’t do that to Dwight. Or Angela. Or Andy.
Michael: Okay, I know what’s going on. You’re talking about Jim and Pam. If they’re having sex. What it looks like, and I think…
Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael: Monkey problems. No, I’m not having monkey problems.
Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.
Michael: Ohhh, I hate monkeys.
Michael: I don’t have a second job. Maybe I am having an affair with Suzanne Somers.
Pam: Doesn’t Jan have money?
Michael: I don’t talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude and unsexual.
Darryl: You need to access your uncrazy side.
Kelly: Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking. What kind of game is that?
Creed: You don’t go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up “Get out of jail free” cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael: That is a good point.
Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature’s do-over, it’s a clean slate.
Michael: Like a witness protection program.
Oscar: Not at all.
Michael: I’ve always wanted to be in the witness protection program.
Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know, that you can’t just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael: I didn’t say it; I declared it.
Pam: “Table-making never seemed so possible.”
Angela: Nothing fancy or foreign. No bars, no patios, no vegetables. And no seafood.
Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left
Pam: Jim’s just really passionate about Italian food.
Jim: Yep, I’m very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I’m in love with Italian food.
Michael: This is who I am now… a guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.
Michael: Don’t sell your implants, please.