
P.S. New promo shots needed.
Michael: Steak! Where’s my steak!
Michael: Get me Armani.
Pam: A suit?
Michael: On the phone.
Pam: Like the main company number because I’m gonna have to call information.
Michael: Where’s Armani? He’s on the phone. Too slow. You’re not going to
Pam: He’s watching Million Dollar Baby. He’s gonna try to kill me.
Michael: At the end of my life, when I’m sitting on my yacht, am I gonna be thinking about how much money I have? No, I’m going to be thinking about how many friends I have, and my children, and my comedy albums. I mean, I have a yacht, so I obviously did pretty well money-wise.
Dwight: Schrute Farms. Guttentag. How can I help you?
Dwight: We make our own mattresses that don’t conform to the traditional sizes. Closest would be twin.
Jim: Hey Dwight.
Dwight: None of your business, Jim.
Jim: You running a Bed and Breakfast?
Dwight: It is not a B & B.
Dwight: Agrotourism is a lot more than a bed and breakfast. It consists of tourists, coming to a farm, showing them around, giving them a bed, giving them breakfast.
Jim: Does the Department of Health know about this?
Dwight: I am not telling you anything. Permits are pending.
Pam: Hello, I’m looking for a room.
Dwight: Okay. This is a misuse of company phones.
Jan: Why don’t you just pretend that you have a car?
Dwight: I was recently scrubbing my room of memories and I didn’t see it there.
Jim: What do you got going on tonight?
Michael: You wouldn’t understand. It’s a secret.
Jim: I wouldn’t understand, or it’s a secret?
Pam: You wouldn’t understand, Jim. It’s a secret.
Pam: The Beets Motel.
Jim: The Beets Motel? That is… wow.
Pam: Thank you.
Pam: The Embassy Beets. Radish Inn.
Jim: How are you doing this?
Michael: I took this second job kind of as a hobby.
Dwight: We have three rooms, each with a different theme.
Pam: What are the themes?
Dwight:
Pam: Irrigation.
Jim: Nice.
Dwight: Now then, do you have any special needs or dietary restrictions?
Jim: Yes, we will be requiring a bedtime story.
Dwight: No.
Jim: Not even Harry Potter?
Dwight: As of this morning, we are completely wireless here at Schrute Farms. But as soon as I find out where Mose hid all the wires, we’ll get that power back on.
Jim: Mmm, I’d say one in six.
Pam: What?
Jim: Oh, I thought you asked me what our chances were of being murdered here tonight.
Jim: You know, I just realized, this is Pam’s and my first night away together. I used to play it over in my head and it was just a little bit different. Maybe a nice hotel, or a romantic dinner. Wine. But wine that wasn’t made out of beets. Didn’t think Dwight would be involved at all. And I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure. Just … less.
Michael: Medical school must have cost like $40 or a donkey or something.
Michael: I would have been chief of surgery. Or a cowboy.
Pam: Oh, my God, what century is this?
Dwight: I am better than you have ever been or ever will be.
Michael: Power point, power point, power point.
Michael: And up comes the tool bar. That’s what she said.
Michael: “Estimated time, 12 minutes.” So this should take about five or ten minutes.
Michael: What I do between
Jim: Are you a cocktail waitress?
Michael: Whomever is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it’s right.
Creed: Michael is right. It’s a made up word used to trick students.
Andy: No, actually, whomever, is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously it’s a real word, but I don’t know when to use it correctly.
Michael: Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what’s right, but I’m not gonna say, because you’re all jerks who didn’t come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you actually know which one is correct.
Kevin: I don’t know.
Pam: It’s whom when it’s the object of the sentence and who when it’s the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Ryan: As an object.
Kelly: Ryan used me as an object.
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was… Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to explain the computer system, the object, to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object. Which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one asked you anything ever, so whomever’s name is Toby, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull.
Pam: What’s up?
Andy: Me. All night. Dreaming about Angela’s smoking hot body.
Pam: You’re being gross.
Andy: Not from a male perspective. You need to set me up with her. I know she told you that she’s looking and she’s totally not responding to my moves.
Pam: What moves?
Andy: I have moonwalked past accounting, like, ten times.
Pam: I can’t believe that’s not working. I don’t know if I really see you two together.
Andy: Really? Well, maybe you should look in the smart part of your brain.
Pam: She can be kind of severe.
Andy: Yeah, and I punched a hole in a wall.
Pam: That’s right, you did.
Pam: Now that I think about it, Angela and Andy might actually make a good couple. But I couldn’t do that to Dwight. Or Angela. Or Andy.
Michael: Okay, I know what’s going on. You’re talking about Jim and Pam. If they’re having sex. What it looks like, and I think…
Pam: Michael.
Oscar: Michael, are you having money problems?
Michael: Monkey problems. No, I’m not having monkey problems.
Oscar: I know you heard me correctly.
Michael: Ohhh, I hate monkeys.
Michael: I don’t have a second job. Maybe I am having an affair with Suzanne Somers.
Pam: Doesn’t Jan have money?
Michael: I don’t talk to my girlfriend about money. It is rude and unsexual.
Darryl: You need to access your uncrazy side.
Kelly: Darryl Philbin is the most complicated man I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they’re thinking. What kind of game is that?
Creed: You don’t go by Monopoly man, that game is nuts. Nobody just picks up “Get out of jail free” cards. Those things cost thousands.
Michael: That is a good point.
Creed: Bankruptcy, Michael, is nature’s do-over, it’s a clean slate.
Michael: Like a witness protection program.
Creed: Exactly.
Oscar: Not at all.
Michael: I’ve always wanted to be in the witness protection program.
Oscar: Hey, I just wanted you to know, that you can’t just say the word bankruptcy and expect anything to happen.
Michael: I didn’t say it; I declared it.
Pam: “Table-making never seemed so possible.”
Angela: Nothing fancy or foreign. No bars, no patios, no vegetables. And no seafood.
Jim: Did I ever tell you why I left
Pam: Jim’s just really passionate about Italian food.
Jim: Yep, I’m very passionate about Italian food. In fact, um, I’m in love with Italian food.
Michael: This is who I am now… a guy on a train with no answers. I hope that can be enough for you.
Michael: Don’t sell your implants, please.
Jim: There’s this cube on the screen that bounces around all day, and sometimes, it looks like it’s headed right into the corner of the screen and at the last minute, it hits a wall and bounces away. And we are all just dying to see it go right into the corner. (shakes head) Pam claims that she saw it one day, when she was alone in the conference room. Okay. I believe she thinks she saw it.
Pam: I saw it! I saw it, and it was amazing! Who said I didn’t see it? Did Jim say that I didn’t see it? I saw it!
Michael: Today’s the big day that I’m heading to
Jim: Whoops. Is that really what Ryan wanted you to tell us?
Michael: The website is a brainchild of my brainchild, Ryan. It is my brain grandchild.
Kelly: That’s from Ryan? Does it mention if he’s seeing anybody?
Michael: No, it doesn’t. I’ll find out tonight.
Pam: Dwight mercy killed Angela’s cat. It’s very complicated. It’s caused a lot of unpleasantness between Dwight and Angela. Who were both already prone to unpleasantness.
Andy: And then I will say something positive, like “kudos” or “job well done.”
Jim: Or “zip-a-dee-doo-dah.”
Andy: I can’t tell if he’s mocking me.
Dwight: Just ignore him.
Andy: Can’t do that. It’s really hard for me to let things go.
Jim: I was. Mocking.
Andy: Thank you.
Dwight: I just feel like we need something more to acknowledge when I make a sale.
Andy: Yes! Like a chime or a bell…
Jim: Or a gong.
Dwight: Go to my car. Open the trunk. Inside, you will see many pelts. Under the smallest one is a case. Inside that case is a bear horn. Bring it to me.
Phyllis: Angela is worse than usual lately, and we have a party to throw. So I Googled, (whispering) ‘How to deal with difficult people,’ and I got all of this. So we’re gonna try out some new things today.
Phyllis: So how do you feel about the fact that the banner says “lunch”?
Angela: I feel angry. Angry at you. Angry at you for doing something stupid. Angry at me for believing you could do something not stupid.
Phyllis: I’m so sorry to hear that, that must be awful.
Michael: Wow, easy, booster seat, nobody cares about this party anyway.
Jim: What would you say if I told you we could pull a prank on Dwight, and at the same time, not be working? What?
Pam: He’s going through a break up.
Jim: Yeah, I’m aware of that, but he’s also being super annoying, and… I’m not a perfect person.
Dwight: [airhorn] Woohoo! Three reams! In your face, machines!
Pam: What kind of prank are you thinking?
DunMiff/sys (Jim): Not sure. Just became self-aware. So much to figure out. I think I am programmed to be your enemy. I think it is my job to destroy you when it comes to selling paper.
Dwight: How do I know this isn’t Jim?
DunMiff/sys (Pam): What is a Jim?
Dwight: It appears that the website has become alive. This happens to computers and robots sometimes.
Dwight: I did so well last February, that Corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise.
Pam: Yes, it’s too tight.
Kelly: Waaaay too tight.
Oscar: Really? This is why I’m here?
Kelly: Why is it so tight?
Michael: It’s European cut.
Michael: How many pounds do you think I could lose by 7?
Michael: Do I have your permission to invite Carol?
Andy: Okay, why don’t you just lay off, lady?
Michael: So, this is the dealio. God has smiled on me and given me two tickets to the big party in
Jim: Sure, we’ll go.
Michael: Alright, well, fight it out amongst yourselves. I was thinking Pammy, but boy’s night out is also good.
Jim: Wait, I’m sorry…
Pam: One of the tickets is for him.
Michael: Just let me know who the winner is.
Pam and Jim: Not it.
Jim: Nope…
Pam: I won.
Jim: Definitely not. If anything, it was a tie.
Pam: Tie goes to the girlfriend.
DunMiff/sys (Jim): While you were typing that, I searched every database in existence, and learned every fact about everything. And mastered the violin. And sold more paper.
Phyllis: I want to understand what you’re saying, but it’s difficult for me when you use that tone.
Angela: Phyllis, these are spoons. Spoons have rounded tops, and are used to scoop things. What we need are forks. Which have prongs, or tiny spears on top. And we need knives, which have blades. Do you understand me now?
Michael: Alright, I’m ready to go and I’m calling shotgun.
Jim: I’m driving.
Michael: Yes. Thank you.
Jim: Alright, let me just say goodbye to Pam.
Michael: Oh yeah, you better, you better say goodbye to Pam. (in a high voice) Bye. I love you. (makes smooching noises)
Michael: It’s a club called Chatroom, and there’s a password to get in, which is actually, “password.”
Jim: Mmmkay.
Michael: What are you doing?
Jim: Um, that, is an invitation to an online party.
Jim: Are there three W’s at the beginning of the address?
Michael: Yes.
Angela: How do you tell someone it’s over? You send them a notarized letter, right? Well what if the recipient is your notary?
Angela: I would like to have a relationship with a man.
Pam: Um… I’ll get back to you.
Dwight: I think you should date Kelly.
Andy: How is that any different, she works here, too.
Dwight: Uh, she works in the annex. You’re also welcome to date Toby.
Andy: They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really. Well then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates.
Michael: I’m not kidnapping him. I am keeping him until I get what I want.
Jim: As a hostage.
Michael: I think you’re over-thinking it.
Jim: I think you’re under-thinking it.
Jim: Hey, quick question. If I take a pizza, do you think you could take some sodas and some napkins up to the roof?
Pam: I’m all over it.
Jim: Okay.
Jim: Do you remember what you said to me, on my first day of work, before you walked me toward my desk?
Pam: Yeah. Enjoy this moment, because you’re never going to go back to this time before you met your desk mate, Dwight.
Jim: And that’s when I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, “This might sound weird, and there’s no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you’re about to eat has expired.”
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.
Jim: No…
Michael: Hey, I just think you should know that one of my salesmen beat your stupid computer, so take that ***hole.
Really. You do.
Really. You do.